Well, at least that is how I am feeling this morning. I wanted to lock myself in my room all day and do nothing but write morning pages (for those of you who don’t know, morning pages are a sort of regurgative brain drain done with paper and pen) until every page was full and every pen run dry. Instead I am here at work trying to get out as much as possible because I know if I don’t it will be like Dorothy waking up after her visit from Oz. It will all seem like a hazy dream and much that I need to remember will be forgotten. I also know that if my thoughts are not shared with others they will more easily be denied when life gets tricky. You, without any needed action on your part, are my accountability warriors.
I woke up today and was inundated, as if from nowhere, with answers. Pretty much hit with a ton of bricks when I sat down to breakfast. Answers to questions I have been denying even needed asking. The way that everything seemed to align for me this morning was unfathomably perfect in its synchronicity. It all pretty much knocked me on my ass. Then it became all the more unbelievable when I discovered that I was not the only one that received this gift this morning, but that is their story to tell. My head is still spinning as clarity and answers seem to fall from the sky. So what was to be a brilliant epistle to my fellow Artist’s Way people is quickly turning into a jumbled mess that I have decided to share with the world. As I sift through feelings and search for what seems relevant for inclusion and where to begin, bear with me as I attempt to break this down to highlights…
As you all know I have been allowing the presence of another person, namely mom, in my home to put me a bit out of sorts lately. I think the Universe is breathing a big sigh of relief this morning. I am quite sure that the next attempt to get my attention that the Universe was going to present me with was going to closely resemble a piano being dropped on my head. Yes, I have finally realized that mom is here for a reason, and not just because she wants to be, I want her to be and needs a place to live. What I have finally realized is that her being here is a huge part of my own journey. I need this experience to point out weaknesses that I have become very adept at hiding. When you live alone it is so easy to keep things from showing up in your public persona. There is no urgency to address things when there is a private place to escape, where interaction with others (or even yourself) is not a requirement. Now that I am sharing my home my private sanctuary is gone, and I am forced to sit with and address my demons. It took many years of the Universe slapping my in the face to force the realization that I do have the power to change and the areas I feel deficient within myself can be repaired. So on with a game plan.
I have far too often in my life struggled with insecurities. I have always known that my insecurities were non-sense. I have never really failed at anything. Deep down I know that I have no reason to be insecure. I mean, who am I kidding, I am fucking brilliant right! Anyways, my mom spoke one of the mantras that I grew up with at a little art party we had on Sunday. It is the infamous “Anything worth doing is worth doing right” saying that I am sure we have all heard at some point in our lives. I admittedly have heard it often. Drilled into my head would be the manner in which I would describe my “worth doing” indoctrination. My first big revelation of the morning; I have been using this quite useful idea in a way that is very harmful to myself. (Now here is where things get touchy for me. I am not one to blame any of my shortcomings on others. I do make my own choices and what works for me may or may not work for others and vice versa. As I move forward I am not blaming mom for my acted interpretation of her guidance, it works well for her and she only wants what is best for her children. I know that. I also know that we all have a variety of our own demons to fight in our own ways. I digress…) My indoctrination was quite thorough, if you couldn’t be the best, don’t bother. In other words, inaction was preferable to failure. Sadly, I have lived much of my adult life with this belief. I am finally realizing that my fear of making mistakes or of not being an immediate virtuoso at everything I do has kept me from trying and experiencing so many things that I would love. Starting today I now have this wonderful feeling of freedom and empowerment at the thought that I do not have to be a pro at everything. I need to change my perception of mother’s mantra to sound something more like “anything that you want to do is worth trying, and should be attempted with your whole heart and to the best of your ability” and “if at first you don’t succeed, no biggie, just try again” “practice makes perfect.” Perfection can and should be discovered in imperfection. I am starting to see that learning from mistakes and not always expecting perfection is the more logical journey than the expectation of immediate perfection. Me, with all of my imperfections and potential failures, is perfectly who I am supposed to be, demons and all.
So how does this process translate into overcoming insecurities and what do I do with my insecurities? Well, it seems that in order to eliminate them I have no choice but to examine them. When I truly look into the root of my insecurities I see what I have held onto as the cause, and I am finding that the cause is rarely justified. And if it is justified, once it is uncovered the cause can be addressed and dealt with. Admittedly much easier said than done. I will not be walking into my Artist’s Way meeting next Sunday to tell everyone I have secured the position of Creative Director at Apple, Inc. nor will I go on about how I will be publishing the great American novel in time for the Christmas rush this year, but I am pretty sure I will be walking a little taller. I have a lot of insecurities to address and it is sure to be a slow process, but like the alcoholic that has admitted they have a problem I too am taking that first step to overpowering my deficiencies. With each insecurity I uncover, I find the courage to move on to the next.
This all kind of, in my own twisted manner, ties in with week six’s request (another reference to the Artist’s Way group I am a part of) that we examine our personal version of “God”, I have not kept from the group my reservations that Cameron uses this concept far too much for my taste. And without going too much into theology/belief systems I am of the ilk that life itself is the Creator and the Creation. Life must and will happen and in order for it to exist there must also be creation. For me God is everything. God is the beautiful orchid that sits on my desk just as much as God is the chair that I am sitting in or the gum on the bottom of my shoe. God is the brilliant revelations that I am having. Yet, as confident as I am in my beliefs I know that they are mine because they work for me and that they may not necessarily work for others. Thus we are each responsible for our own truths. And yet again I digress… Where I am going with this is that, although very comfortable and confident in my personal truth regarding my personal relationship with “God/the Creator”, I did find a very important hole in my life that I need to find a filling for. Just as important for my well being as a “God concept”, I need to find a representation of inspiration. Those of you that have been in my home and have seen my alter, may have noticed that I keep a photo of my mother on it. I had always thought of her as my personal inspiration and my aspirations were very linked to being more like her. As much as I love her and am humbled by everything she has done and overcome I have come to the realization that I do not honor her best by wanting to be her, but instead by becoming the best me that I can be. I am now on a quest to replace my alter photo with someone/something that speaks to me out of familiarity of aspirations and a shared path as to where I truly want to see myself, rather than out of a feeling of familial obligation or ancestry. There is also, when it comes to mother’s photo, not only the feeling of misplaced aspirations but also something that holds me back from being what I know I can be. There is a fear of failure that has been such a part of my relationship with her. I need to remove all ideas of failure from my life and most especially from that one place in my home I turn to for inspiration and personal growth. In no way is this need to seek a new image a reflection on mother. She is still the most important person in my life. I know that she has never and will never see me as a failure. That is a personal interpretation that I hold myself to on her behalf. I need to overcome my own need to please her. I need to find a way to lower that bar.
For my new image, I feel that my replacement needs to be human and needs to be contemporary. Other than that I am stuck. It seems like I may need to create an image of my own using multiple sources for inspiration. There are many people out there I consider inspirational, but all of them also hold an aspect within that either does not speak to me or they have a failing that does not fit within my aspirations. Thus the human condition… We are all born of a combination of strengths and weaknesses. The other option I am considering is a baby picture of myself. To some it may seem self-aggrandizing, but the greatest goal I can imagine is to reach a point where I can live a life free from enculturated perceptions and other’s expectations. The only place I feel we are free from that reach is in our immediate infancy. So quickly we become representations of our environment.
So here I stand on the precipice. I think I am almost ready to jump… This is an auspicious week for me to be having breakthroughs. I face the future with the hope that this is a foretelling of the year to come…
So thank you to all of my Artist’s Way chums. Thank you for being a part of my life, thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you to all of you that have made it through this rambling epistle you are my accountability warriors!
Emptying The Vessel 