This post is in memory of a time and relationship that, although not a journey I would ever choose to relive, did much to shape the person that I have become. If it wasn’t for Wayne I do not believe that I would have found the peace that I have in my life today or be living in my lovely home in Michigan. I won’t go into the reasoning behind this or any back story on the relationship. This is about remembering a precious life and all that I have gained from knowing him. This is not about remembering the struggles from which these gifts were grown. Many of you already know the other side of the story. Suffice it to say without Wayne I would likely still be miserable and in California. So, as hard as it was to spend those years with such a tortured soul I am grateful for the lessons learned and the path that rose up from where I was with Wayne.
Well, there was plenty of whiskey and lots of loud music. However, rather than being surrounded by oodles of rowdy drunk Irish people I was alone with my thoughts. I know I should have let them rise up to be addressed by a sober mind, but this was about Wayne, and well, that isn’t how he would do it… Rather than share verbatim the thoughts that were scratched into my journal (and admittedly my hand when I ran out of space in my journal) at various points in the evening, I will attempt to add some sober sense to the ramblings while still keeping them pretty true to their original utterings.
So wow, Wayne is dead. Wayne died at the same time that I was letting go of the fear and insecurities that I had been carrying with me since that chapter of my life abruptly closed, (or actually didn’t really close it just took on a different form). I feel like I need to explore this timing a bit. I also need to play with the space that can open when the fear leaves. The absence of fear, how refreshing. It is strange knowing that I do not have to worry that he may be on the other side of the door. Strange and wonderfully freeing! The fact that he has passed and the manner of his passing are very sad. Even though the relationship was beyond turbulent, (or maybe even the turbulence is further proof of it) I cared about Wayne deeply. Sharing a home is not something that I have ever taken lightly.
Embrace peace and best wishes on your new adventure. You will be remembered, and now that the fear is gone I can remember the good. Thank you for trying to love me. I know that you did all that you could.
No more triple checking the doors and windows whenever I am home alone. And as I open the doors I need to also remember to tear down the walls.
So, I am sitting with all of this and letting the feelings just do their thing so that I can truly know them. I think that losing the challenging people in our life is hard because we know that they have probably aided us on our path more than those around us that have made our life easier. It is through the struggles that we learn and grow. The part that I find unbelievably synchronistic is that quite nearly the very day that Wayne died I was learning what I needed to let go and move beyond the fear and mistrust. In a way that leaves me with a heavy feeling of responsibility. I need to honestly and whole-heartedly move forward with my life. I need to once again embrace trust, and let the world back in.
Although I know this tragedy was not designed merely as a signpost for my journey, I do understand that I need to treat it as such. This is a huge cosmic kick in the ass. The universe has spoken, and I would be an utter fool not to listen. What I hear the universe saying is that I have been alone long enough and I need to open myself to trust and let people in. I am somewhat baffled that the universe is telling me this when I have just taken my first hesitant steps onto just such a journey. Jump and the net will appear. As much as it scares me I guess it is time to jump. Although, it is very early to say where this new journey may lead it is very different from the paths that I am used to. It feels safe. I trust it and I trust him. It is a relaxing calm compared to the turbulence that has been ever present in all my past relationships. Perfect? No! Perfection only exists in our minds. I prefer the reality of what is in front of me. Rather it be in an individual or in a relationship, perfection equals the end of the journey. I prefer to continue traveling the path. I love my journey and all who are able to share it with me.
And at last we come to some scribbled tid bits that still aren’t quite sitting well with me, which means that although I know I need to open myself up to trusting others and that I have taken baby steps into this process, I am far from actually embracing trust. At some point last night in my whiskey induced haze I imagined that I may someday actually be able to say and mean “those three little words” again. When that happens I will know that I have regained that sense of lost trust.
So here is to Finley Dwayne (Wayne to me) Madden. Your life and your smile touched many. You were loved and you will be missed. May you find peace and joy wherever you are.
Emptying The Vessel 
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