Blood Ties

So, I had a bit of frustration Christmas Day and this is what came out. I considered not posting it because it shows a more negative side that I for the most part am working to get away from, but it does represent a big part of my journey these days. Thus I finally decided to throw it into the mix. My tag line is ramblings of a life being lived and this is part of life…

who was it that said blood is thicker than water?
whoever it was they were so wrong!
i do not mean to take away the power of blood.
i may not believe in its power to bind,
but i do believe in its power to divide, to hurt, to maim…

you want someone to love you unconditionally?
don’t kid yourself, get a dog.
mothers, daughters, sisters, brothers, fathers, sons
there will always be conditions and expectations.
sadly it seems in this day and age the price is rising.
at least it seems to be rising for those who try.

try so hard to be a family
try so hard to be there
try so hard to make them happy
try so hard to make them love me
try so hard for their acceptance
fail so miserably

but why try
why cry
why give
why love
why hate
why give a fuck?

they don’t even think twice
in their cozy plastic worlds
without blood
without love
without acceptance
all so easy to have…

no

my self worth does not come from my blood!
my blood is not who i am.
brothers, sisters, mother, daughters, fathers, sons
they do not define us,
nor is their acceptance worth a snit.
there is more than enough love inside myself.

i don’t need anyone to accept who i am.
i need only learn to accept myself,
to follow my own truth,
the only one that makes sense to me.
not anyone else’s perceptions or expectations.

who decided to create this media fallacy?
this fictitious perfect family that plays together
and they brazenly implies stays together?
maybe it used to be that way,
but more likely it has always been every one for themselves.
i think this image of the loving family has always been a fairy tale.

Jay Luptak
Dec. 2011

Trapped by Language

As I look into the wood I dream of the past.
A past before history. A past before words.
A past when humanity, their needs, and nature were at one.

The idyllic winter wood before me now
Is beckoning to me.
Asking me to enter its canopy and throw off the shackles of communication,
To return to a time free of words.

The wood can easily support all of my physical needs.
It can provide a life unencumbered by the trappings of language.
It offers hard work and solitude, a quiet simplicity.

The wood holds no expectations.
There is no need to express needs as words.
Needs are simple and understood.

What do we gain from communication?
It seems to complicate more than simplify.
Needs are far more simple than communication allows.

We need to be loved.

We need to feel worthy of love.

We need to love in return.

Civilization creates an expectation that communication equals confirmation.
Our needs although fulfilled feel unvalidated without proper vocalization.
The wood promises a life free from the need to speak.

Oh how I yearn for the simplicity of the woods.
Yet so much more I yearn for that verbal validation of my love, my worth.
This paralyzing fear I am feeling can be abolished with three little words.

Jay Luptak

Jan. 2012